The Big Bang Theory
by redit
Summary: In which I make fun of the Big Bang Theory. Deidara's arm is what brought all of this into existence. WORSHIP! Haha. This is rated because it contains minor coarse language and some scientific content. On Hiatus for now.
1. Prologue n Stuff

**Hahhhh… I feel like writing humour so here is my creation, The Big Bang Theory. Yes, this is a mockery, A BIG mockery of it. My main project at the moment is Alternate History. As a side project, this won't get updated much.**

**If you have any questions PM me or put them in a review or something. Hope you like this.**

**PROLOGUE**

They say in the beginning there was nothing… Psh, what a load of bull! Really, the universe used to be full of… ANTIMATTER! So, let's just imagine this fabled 'nothingness' as blackness. Or perhaps a navy blueness?

Suddenly a small rip in the impending darkness opens and a most curious object is flung out. It appears to be one of Deidara's arms. (You can tell by the gaping orifice.)

Instantly the antimatter reacts to the sudden appearance of matter and an all out battle begins!

_This is the Ultimate Showdo- _Cough, yes well… An explosion of epic proportions is created as the result of this battle. The matter and antimatter defeat each other and LIGHT is created as a result. Hallelujah!

Hatake Kakashi, do you have ANY idea what you've just created?

Oh look, now the explosion has died down. Everything is beginning to cool down. Cool down to a few trillion trillion degrees that is. Did I mention the radioactive fog, which has encompassed this new universe? Well buddy, it's there.

Of course, by now the rip that rudely spewed Deidara's arm out had closed long ago. Those lucky bastards in the Narutoverse aren't suffering from any of this… yet. Oops, that's giving away the plot! BAD!

So, about now the quarks are creating neutrons, protons and electrons. The neutrons protons and electrons are creating lots of Hydrogen, quite a bit of Helium and small traces of Lithium.

Did I mention how hot it still is? Perhaps a few trillion degrees Celsius now.

Now, because time is young and inexperienced, we suddenly find that the equivalent of three hundred thousand years have passed. That means it's only three thousand degrees Celsius.

More elements are being created as I speak and the fog has cleared for some reason. Now light can travel the universe!

Over the next thousand million years the temperature cools even further and the Hydrogen atoms loose energy. They succumb to the young and mysterious force of gravity and form Hydrogen clouds.

As things get even chillier the Hydrogen clouds break up and begin to form GALAXIES! Stars are made via nuclear FUSION!

Deidara would have been proud of his part in this bang if it weren't for the fact he was currently being attacked by two crazy men in green jumpsuits.

This would have been his greatest work yet. We _all_ know art is a bang, un… _Right?_

* * *

**Chapter One**

"He did _what_ with the Sharingan?" Itachi demanded, practically throttling Deidara for information.

"Created… portal to… different… dimension… ripped my… arm off…" he managed to gasp out. He tried to escape from Itachi's grip on his throat. But this can be quite difficult when one finds they have no arms…

"But _how_?" he demanded, about ready to begin frothing at the mouth. Important lesson, keeping emotion pent up can make you do that.

"I dunno yeah! You're the Sharingan user!" Deidara exclaimed, making futile attempts to break free from Itachi's grip by kicking.

"Describe what happened again!" he demanded, loosening his grip on Deidara's throat by a fraction so that he could speak properly.

"Hatake raised his head band so the Sharingan eye was showing. It took on a weird shape and the next thing I knew there was this rip next to me. I avoided it the first time. But on the third my arm got caught up and ripped off. It was sucked into who knows where." Deidara reeled off… again. He looked down. Boy did it sting…

Itachi finally put Deidara down and thought, '_I can't have missed something in the scrolls could I? I must return to Konoha and check._'

But Leader ever so rudely interrupted his thoughts, '_You can't, you'll be slaughtered.'_

Itachi glared daggers, but because he couldn't see Leader, Deidara copped the full force of it.

Deidara winced and backed away even further, attempting to vanish through the wall. He just wanted his arm back so he could make things a'splode…

That was when Kakuzu walked in, holding a needle, thread and… Deidara's other beloved arm.

"No!" Itachi yelled uncharacteristically. "No arm until I find out what's going on."

Kakuzu shrugged and turned to leave.

"Wait!" Deidara yelled desperately, "If I have my arm I can help you to infiltrate Konoha! Please…"

Itachi's face returned to it's normal blankness, "You'd better."

Somehow, this seemed to be far more intimidating than the threat of asphyxiation Deidara had suffered from earlier.

**Tadaa! By the way I got the inspiration for this during science when me and my friend were discussing how the hell Kakashi rips through space and time with the Sharingan.  
****Comments, suggestions and questions are all welcome. In fact they're encouraged… _strongly…_**


	2. Welcome to Deidara Airlines

**Ok, Itachi has gone completely and utterly crazy. Don't like it, read another fic because I'm not changing it now.**

**Chapter 2- **Welcome to Deidara Airlines

"Careful where you're poking that thing!" Deidara yelled, glaring at Kakuzu. Kakuzu's brows knitted together in defiance and he poked the needle into his flesh even harder.

Deidara's face contorted from the pain, but he didn't say anything else.

Finally Kakuzu finished and cut the thread with his teeth.

Deidara moved his fingers experimentally and opened and shut the mouth on his hand a few times. His eyes gleamed in the familiar "there will be flames and a big boom" way.

He went to put his hand into his pouch of clay, but before he could move farther than a centimeter, his wrist was in the grip of a crazed Uchiha.

"No time for that!" he whispered… loudly. "We must leave for Konoha _now_!"

"But didn't Leader sama say- WOAH!" he began before suddenly being dragged along by the wrist at fifty kilometers an hour. He was surprised that nothing was dislocated when Itachi finally stopped outside.

"Bird!" he hissed, leering at Deidara in a creepy fashion.

"I only have one arm!" he complained, trying to get out of Itachi's grip with little success.

Itachi let his wrist go, but he loomed over Deidara with the Sharingan swirling in the most ominous way he could muster. Which was pretty ominous…

Obviously he didn't trust Deidara as far as he could throw him. Which actually _was_ pretty far…

Deidara finished making the bird. He placed it on the ground before making it grow in a poof of smoke.

As soon as he had done this, Itachi grabbed two of his fingers to prevent him from performing the hand seal and blowing them both to smithereens.

They both leapt up onto the bird and flew off in the direction of Konoha.

* * *

Kisame stopped working and briefly peered up at the sky. He frowned when he saw a most odd silhouette. "Are they eloping or something?" he asked.

"Wha- WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?" the photosynthesizing man questioned.

"It looks like they're holding hands or something." Kisame shrugged and returned to vomiti- _watering_ Zetsu's beloved garden.

Tobi, the questionably good boy had over heard all of this. "Nuuu!" he exclaimed, distraught and anguished. "Come back Deidara sempai! DEIDARA SEMPAIIIII!"

He chased after the rapidly fading silhouette. Along the way he managed to dodge every tree and foot hole in his path while not looking down ONCE!

But, Zetsu could've sworn he saw Tobi go _through_ one of the trees…

* * *

Luckily for what was left of Deidara's sanity, Konoha wasn't more than a few hours (by bird) from the base. It was getting dark again, which meant that they could sneak right on inside.

There would be no more waiting around with the Sharingan glaring at your every movement.

To tell the truth, he felt quite violated, thank you very much…

* * *

In the universe Kakashi had unknowingly created, the dinosaurs had just gone extinct on the planet which, would be known as Earth.

Of course, other planets have been made too. It's just because Earth got the good spot that our story begins to focus there. Right heat, right light, and right atmosphere… all for creating life.

Who wanted to be a gas giant when you could support millions of species on your surface?

My a lot has developed since we last saw it.

Anyway, soon mammals would begin taking over. Soon, _soon _there would be… _humans_!

Dun, dun, DUUUUN!

The poor planet didn't know what it was in for.

**Thank you for the feed back from last time. It's greatly appreciated.**


	3. Infiltration

**The ideas! They… CAME! Again, a short chapter, but not all that many ideas came so… live with it.**

**Chapter 3- **Infiltration

Deidara crouched amongst some convenient bushes in the pitch-blackness. Unfortunately he had an Uchiha who had been irritated to the point of madness right next to him.

"We must move quickly and above all, quietly!" Itachi hissed as he stood and dragged Deidara over the walls of Konoha.

Then he was dragged over the rooftops of Konoha. Then finally Deidara found himself atop the center building of the old Uchiha complex.

Itachi dropped from the roof onto a nearby windowsill. He peered inside and saw that no one had moved in. The house had actually remained empty since Sasuke had left Konoha.

Itachi hit the window in exactly the right place and it sprang upwards. "Hurry up!" he whispered as he entered the house.

Deidara swung through the window after him, grumbling. The amount of times he used the words 'troublesome' and 'annoying'… he could have successfully henged into Shikamaru.

In fact the same thought occurred to the King of Paranoia, a.k.a. Itachi. "The game's up Nara!" He proclaimed, pushing Deidara back out of the window.

"Un! What the hell?" He demanded as he used chakra in his feet to grip the wall before he hit the ground. He slowly began to climb back up.

"Your speech pattern resembled that of Nara Shikamaru. I had to make sure it was really you." Itachi replied simply.

Deidara rolled his eyes and swung through the window. But right before he landed, he was grabbed around the middle and blindfolded.

"Oi! What're you doing yeah?" Deidara demanded, not so quietly.

"It's time for your inside voice. Oh, and you can't know the secrets of my clan. Undoubtedly you'd use them to destroy me." He replied in a surprisingly civil tone… right in Deidara's ear.

He violently jumped sideways in shock, but he was once again grabbed around the middle. This time his arm was pinned as well.

"Don't think I'm going to let you blow anything up." Itachi warned as he dragged Deidara from the room they were in and into another.

Itachi lifted a tatami mat and made his way down the now revealed hidden staircase.

Deidara, who was oblivious to all of this, suddenly felt his head hit something hard, pointy and wooden. He kicked reflexively and his shin somehow came into contact with Itachi's calf.

Itachi hissed in response and Deidara felt a hand close around his throat. "I'm sorry!" he exclaimed, not exactly meaning it. "Reflex!"

"Quiet!" Itachi demanded. Deidara felt the hand move from his throat as soon as he stopped making noise.

Soon after this Deidara could hear the sound of shuffling papers. He guessed Itachi was looking through the scrolls.

Deidara tapped out a rhythm with his foot on what sounded like a stone flooring as he waited. He needed something to entertain himself.

After all, this monotonous activity of waiting blindfolded was not fleeting or artful in the least. Therefore it was boring!

"I thought I told you… to… be…quiet!" Itachi grumbled. He was especially annoyed because he couldn't found what he was looking for.

"I haven't even spoken! Apart from that…"

Itachi stuck two fingers under the corner of Deidara's jaw. This was just one of the many pressure points he could reach.

"Owowowow…" Deidara whined. He finally got the hint and stopped tapping his foot.

"Maybe there's another secret room…" Itachi thought outloud. He dropped Deidara and began his epic search.

Not expecting this, Deidara landed on his butt… painfully. He sighed and attempted to lie down, even if the floor wasn't a very comfortable place to sleep.

But of course his head hit a random stone, which just so _happened_ to be there. "Even the room's against me!" he complained.

Maybe if he pissed off Itachi enough, he would take him back to the base… maybe he'd just get killed… Either way, Deidara wouldn't be bored anymore.

He picked up a rock and threw it where he guessed Itachi would be. The clunk that came afterwards told him he'd missed. But the quick intake of air told him he'd either broken something or got him with the rebound.

He wondered what would come next. Death or injury?

"Um, Itachi? What happened? Un?" He asked as quietly as possible.

Deidara suddenly felt two fingers slide under his blindfold. The next thing he knew, he could see... a big hole where the rock had hit.

Itachi waved a scroll across his line of sight. "Found it."

* * *

On Earth it was now the time of the cavemen. Women didn't exist then you know? They can't have, I mean, take a look at the word. Cave_men_.

Two awfully familiar _men_ were arguing in grunts. One had black hair reminiscent of a duck's… and the other had uberly messy blonde hair.

Suddenly, the one we know as Lee crawled past on his face. Wait! That guy can dimension/time travel?

Oh, my bad, that's his ancestor. I guess some things never change…

Have the race of Gais and Lees already evolved so far there is no possible improvement that can be made? Or have their modern selves stupidly not changed all this time?

**What a mystery! … Sorry… Getting carried away again. Hope you enjoyed it. Feed back is greatly appreciated.**


	4. Uchiha Be Crazy

**Oh my, it's been so long. Well, I guess it's time to start picking on quantum physics in this story :D Have fun reading. Yes, this chapter is supposed to be confusing.**

**Chapter 4- **The Uchiha be Crazy

Deidara and Itachi were now outside the gates of Konoha, arguing of course. "Make. Another. Bird." Itachi ground out slowly and clearly, in case Deidara hadn't heard the first five times.

"I can't with one arm, yeah!" He replied rather loudly.

"But you made one to get here. Now make another." He responded, back to favouring monotone.

"Uh, _no_ I didn't…" Deidara replied as his eyes darted around nervously. He was worried that a plot hole would catch up with him soon.

"I distinctly remember it, _Deidara_." He began threateningly. A small, dark hole began to open beneath their feet. It was slowly getting larger and larger… As were the approaching Konoha ANBU…

"What are you doing here?" One foolishly paused to demand of them.

"We're not here." Itachi replied simply. He speedily glanced at the plot hole, speculative. The Sharingan could manipulate space and time…

"I can see you quite clearly." Another argued.

"No, no, no. I'm just an optical illusion." Itachi responded firmly, before vanishing from sight.

"Oi! Don't leave me here!" Deidara yelled angrily. There was no response. "I'll tell them what you stole!" He threatened, now getting a little desperate. Sure, he was a fantabulous Shinobi, but fighting ANBU whilst handicapped… He had his limits.

Still there was no response. "I'll tell Sasuke what you sto-" Suddenly, after a brief sensation of falling, Deidara found himself amongst the rocky interior of the Akatsuki base again.

He swore he heard Itachi mutter, "No, he is not ready yet," before he was left alone in the room.

_Meanwhile, on the other side of the universe-er- Narutoverse…_

"Ugh, surely these people must know something about the whereabouts of Zabuza's big-ass sword…" Suigetsu complained as he ate yet more yoghurt.

"Don't worry, I'll use my secret jutsu. Of course it's already in effect, how do you think you got so many free yoghurts?" Sasuke replied, straying from his monosyllabry.

"What, not _that_ jutsu…" Suigetsu gasped as he shoveled yoghurt at the same time. Now that takes skill. (Don't try it at home!)

"Yes, **that** jutsu." Sasuke replied dramatically. "What else, moron?"

That was three sentences in a row that had been more than a 'hn'. From this evidence, Suigetsu had deducted that Sasuke was currently being occupied by one of his alternative personalities. This one was nicer than the other four, so he didn't mind so much. Though it did get distracted very easily…

A waitress came over with yet another glass containing what was assumed to be yoghurt. "I-is there anything else I can help you with?" She asked.

Suigetsu was sick of being ignored, so he spoke, "Yeah, the sword near the bridge." This approach hadn't worked last time, so he added, "He wants to know." He pointed at Sasuke, who was presently busy with his staring contest with the wall.

The waitress quickly ran off. Only seconds later, an exceedingly loud 'KYAA!' could be heard. Sasuke's instinctive response was immediate. He clamped his hands over his ears and shut his eyes. _'Damn wall, you win again' _he thought briefly before sensing that he was about to be surrounded.

Quickly, he adjusted his composure, knowing that his 'jutsu' must continue in order to get the sword, which meant Suigetsu would follow him, which meant he could find Karin and Juugo, which meant he could find Itachi. Then he would defeat him and then… and then…

The obvious blank was barely noticed as the girls blathered something about Tazuna. Now that sounded awfully familiar… "Onwards." Sasuke proclaimed suddenly, and began to drag Suigetsu away from his precious yoghurt.

"But I didn't get to finish!" He whined as a child would to their parent.

"Well, if you behave we might go back." Sasuke replied in a condescending tone.

Suigetsu made a disgruntled face as he was dragged away.

* * *

A plot hole opened beneath a seven year old Itachi as he nursed his baby brother. Yes, he was trusted with so much responsibility at such a young age… After quickly stepping backwards, he looked down and saw… it must have been another world. It looked like he was peering up at it from out of a hole in the ground. But he was standing and looking downwards…

Head spinning from the unbelievable phenomenon, he spotted a blonde figure and the underside of someone he knew instinctively to be himself. Was he looking at the future or something?

His older self turned his eyes upon him. Recognition flickered in the red, staring eyes as the hole closed up at a much faster rate than it had opened.

A car pulling up in the driveway pushed him out of his shocked stupor. _'What was that…?'_

**Remember that the last part is always about the other universe, or rather, 'our' universe.**

**Quick question, just out of curiosity, would you buy a game if it's purpose was to teach you Japanese?**


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